fume and fret. ([info]feraldolce) wrote,
@ 2009-03-07 11:53:00
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On Being and Nothingness
Look. I first took this test in a psychologist's office about eight years ago. The results are the same, I'm still classified as the same thing:



Take it, and tell me what you are. It's just... it's so WEIRD because a lot of my attitudes toward things have changed drastically since I was in high school, but my personality hasn't changed at all. I'm still the exact same kid.

And I totally have 4.5k on LB11. I'm finishing it this weekend for sure. And then you can have a real update, I promise.

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[info]feraldolce
2009-03-20 09:27 am UTC (link)
where does axel work? because this needs to stop being about high school. i'm all about a copy shop, but i don't know the ins and outs of it. it needs to be something sterile, something safe. bartender? where? i don't know enough about the ins and outs of drinks. they always say write what you know? so... he's a drug dealer? i can see it, but it's all wrong. he's an anti-establishment rebel? wishful thinking. he's a dreamer, a watcher. unserious, uncomplicated. we're talking about negations. negations while i wait for them to get ready before we go to that bar in burbank to watch that cover band that i hope is good.

but jobs. sora? sora is still a kid. we can have him at the community college, the local hero. why? he's just a good kid. maybe he's... he is. or am i confusing him with myself? with roxas? they can both be it. good at soccer. the local hero champ, sora. going to community college. golden boy, volunteered at the folger's center for autistic kids. SO YOU MADE COFFEE? no, not quite. that's good. he goes to college of the cathedrals. i like that, too. just a kid, liberal arts. doesn't really know what he wants to do, maybe be a firefighter. he wants to save the world in that small way that's not like wanting to cure cancer. but responsibility and drive are lonely. lonely streets signs on the edge of humanity. loners, takers, givers. sora is going to be enigmatic. our love for the something is at odds with our love of the enigma.

i keep catching myself making typos. so sora. was he in love with riku? is he in love with riku? kairi? how do they fit together? there needs to be a history there. i know this: axel wants me. he wants roxas. maybe that's how it is. enough with the friends, the cousins. they're on the same soccer team. both forwards, but sometimes sora plays half back. little stars, an unstoppable team. and maybe axel watches the high school games because the parking fucks up his street and one day he goes to smoke behind the bleachers. BLEACHERS? is that what they are? fuck, then that should've been backstop. it's okay. we can get past that. so he goes behind the bleachers to smoke and he watches. blondes get all the attention, i wont lie, so that's how he develops his little crush on roxas. maybe he liked a blonde... named cloud. because that is the most obvious connection ever. if axel is MADE for roxas, why wouldn't he idolize cloud? cloud can be that cool kid with the band that he never got over. he idolized the way boys roxas idolizes kurt. idolized.

this is synthesis. this is learning. so... that's how it happens. and roxas is straight? where the fuck does axel work? MOVIE BUFF. bingo. he works at theatre, the alex, and he loves film. why not? it doesn't fit perfectly, not the way we can make this about hi-fidelity and how i've always had a thing for john cusak. but i want to write that story. the one that people remember. they don't have that story yet. 20,000 words, like. a novella. it will and can be epic the way that deceitful is epic. it needs that, and i want that.

so. so maybe they go to a party because that's what you do in high school? why does axel show up? how does he get in? he gets the beer, maybe. he tries to put the moves on roxas, but that doesnt work out. not everyone in the world can always be attracted to everyone in the world. and sora, golden boy sora sees the aftermath, roxas storming out, and axel flaming away in disarray. it's perfect is what it is. i feel the perfect part tingling up my back. and that's how it happens. and hello roxas/sora subplot where sora tries to see if it was the situation, or if roxas really is straight and just not interested in boys. leads to self searching. soul searching. that's how it can happen because maybe he realizes he has always been a little bit in love with riku, who loves music. my music. that emo fuck.

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